


For Better Or Worse

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:17:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An emotional one shot. I got to thinking we read so much about happy endings for Jake and Bella but what happens when the luster of marriage has dulled and RL steps in. Inspired by “Everything Is you” by Dru Hill and “Frozen” by Madonna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Better Or Worse

JPOV

My mind was racing as I held my hand steady against the paper. There were so many things I wanted to say and I couldn’t find the words. I was never a writer, shit I was lucky to pass my English class with a D. Now here I sat, in a hard wooden chair facing my backyard, staring out into our little piece of heaven wondering where we went wrong. There were so many good times we spent and memories we made, it’s hard to believe time is what keeps pulling us apart.

We carry on with our lives as if nothing has changed since we vowed to love and honor each other but so much has changed it is hard to see the happiness amongst so much pain. We’ve tried counseling, separation and even sleeping in different rooms but nothing has worked to save our once cherished marriage. We fight more than hug, we scream more than kiss and no amount of time or distance seemed to repair what we once shared. 

I find myself torn between doing what is best for us and what is best for me. I know I haven’t been the perfect husband but who can honestly say they are perfect in everything they do. I’ve fucked up too many times to count but my dear wife has done just the same. I find myself conflicted over just apologizing for the sake of relief and normalcy yet I don’t feel like the one who should be apologizing. I’m not the only one in this marriage but yet I feel like I’m the only one fighting for it to last.

I stare up at the overcast sky and recall all the wonderful moments of our time together. Bella and I were like two peas in a pod. It would seem we were fated to be together and that we were only following destiny when we wed. Our wedding was grander than any other we had attended and it seemed like the perfect ending of our courtship into something solid and everlasting. Just the mental picture of her in her gown brought sweat to my brow and tingling throughout my body. I swore that day that I would kiss the ground she walked on and shower her with love all the days of my life. 

The first few years were a challenge but nothing that a little housekeeping and leaving the toilet seat down couldn’t fix. Those first few years were filled with mini fights over just getting to know what it was like to live with one another. I have to admit, the make up sex was out of this world and I found myself fucking up more often just so we could make up. Bella found my actions annoying but also kind of cute. She knew I would never do anything to purposely piss her off just like she knew what not to do to piss me off. 

Life continued to be great between us until she landed a new job that seemed more important than our marriage. She would come home late, leave early and the only time we spent together was when we slept. I became Suzie fuckin homemaker over night and I wasn’t happy about it. I cooked, cleaned and worked my ass off only for her to come home, dirty the house and go to bed. This was not my idea of marriage and after a few months, the fights started.

I’d had enough of being taken advantage of and neglected. Sure my work at the garage wasn’t exciting but would it have killed her to show just a smidge of interest? Would it kill her to shut that fuckin blackberry off when we had dinner together once a week? You have no idea how tempted I was to flush that piece of shit phone after her boss called her at one in the morning to ask her when his flight departed.

I was never a physical man and stood firmly against any man who hit a woman but I can’t say I hadn’t envisioned taking her into my arms and shaking her until she saw what she was doing to not only herself, but to us. She never wanted to hear what she was doing wrong or how her job was impacting our marriage. She became deaf to my rants about how unhappy I was and knew all the right things to shut me up. She was everything to me and the more I lived in this fake marriage, the angrier I became.

She was never a witness to the nightly rants and destruction as a result of my anger because she was never around. I tried to find ways to channel my anger but found that lead to my current bad habit, drinking. Every night she would call and tell me she was running late or every date night I had planned for us she’d call to cancel left me feeling empty and neglected. I didn’t know what to do about our current situation so I decided to drown my hurt with booze. Sure I knew it was pathetic but it numbed the pain and for the moment, it was working. Unfortunately for me, my poor choice in habits only attributed to the pages of complaints she had about me.

She was never shy to point out my inadequacies or shortcoming in an effort to prove her point. Our arguments started over the stupidest things and ended on the touchiest of subjects. She was not ashamed to kick me where it hurt in an effort to make herself look like the best wife and me the worst husband. 

I sit here putting all my feelings and pain into a letter in a last effort to salvage the small part of our marriage we had left. 

The argument we just had was the worst ever.

Flashback

I waited at the dinner table for her to arrive. I was ready to address all the hurt and pain I had suppressed for far too long. I vowed that if we took this road together there would be no secrets between us but I found myself recanting on that very vow each night I lied in bed torn between staying and leaving. 

She came into the house like she had countless times before, throwing her trench coat on the sofa and placing her briefcase on the chair. She paid no mind to the cold food that sat on the table in front of her or the candles that had burned down to the core. This was how it was for us and tonight would either mark the beginning of our lives or the ending of our marriage.

She turned to me with that questionable look on her face like she had no idea why I looked pissed. I continued to sip on my glass of Captain Morgan with the bottle close at hand. I knew she hated when I drank but honestly I could give two shits what she liked at this point. What I wanted and needed was my wife back and I was so tired of living the way we had.

“Real nice Jake. Keep drinking. Un-fuckin-belieavable” she said as she walked past me towards the bedroom.

Her words were like gasoline to the flame of rage burning within my chest. I slammed the glass on the table shattering it into tiny pieces. I snatched the bottle, took a big chug and stormed into the bedroom.

“Who the fuck do you think you are? You are in no position to cast stones Bella. I sit here every night praying that you would keep your word to me and be here and every night I go to bed alone. The only comfort I have in this marriage comes from this bottle. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or care for that matter but this marriage has gone from bliss to non-existent. I’m done with making excuses for your absence and I’m done putting all the effort into something you obviously care nothing about. At least when I drink, I find the one thing I use to find in you, warmth. I use to find such happiness in your arms and now all I find is a self-absorbed woman who cares only for her work. I can’t live like this anymore Bella. I just can’t.”

She stared at me like I had two heads. She seemed completely taken back by my admittance to our failed marriage as if it had come out of left field. . Her stare only drove my mind insane with fury. How could she not see how unhealthy this marriage was? We went from cuddles to pecks from hot sex to none at all. How was this normal?

“Well I didn’t see you complaining when I got you the Ford Mustang or the new car lift for the shop. So don’t sit there and cry about how unhappy you are about my job or me when you are the only one who sees the fruits of my labor. You aren’t exactly chipping in financially around here and the mortgage doesn’t pay itself.” She replied as she turned her back to me and started getting undressed.

Her words were so cold and heartless. I couldn’t believe that this was the same Bella I fell in love with. The once timid, caring and loving Jacob left the room and was replaced by the spawn of Satan Jacob in his place.

“You know what Bella. I never thought I would say this but you have become just as big of a bitch as Leah. You stand there on your mighty thrown throwing your financial success in my face like I am some boy you wish to dazzle and tame. I am your fuckin husband. I am the one you vowed to love, honor and cherish and all you have done is take from me. You eat up all I have to offer and leave me hollow and empty. Maybe I am to blame for the monster I’ve created. Maybe I should have been like Paul, a stuck up prick who screwed his wife on the weekends and his girlfriends during the week. At least then I know I would be getting some form of satisfaction because got knows my dick hasn’t seen the inside of you in months.”

“Real mature Jake. If life is so horrible than leave. God knows we don’t want Mighty Jake unhappy, heaven forbid.” She replied in a sarcastic tone.

“Oh here we go. Oh powerful Bella can’t take the heat in the kitchen. My lovely wife can’t stand to hear how she is a failure and fails to keep her husband satisfied. You would rather live in your fantasy than face the reality of your home life. Get off your fuckin high horse Bella and try just once, to hear the words coming from my mouth. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried to push my feelings to the side and cater to your needs but in doing so have lost all I value most. I resorted to drinking because it was the only thing that would suppress my urges to leave. I stand here before you as a last resort hoping you would see that things need to change and in normal Bella fashion, you turn a blind eye to it.”

She finished dressing and then walked over towards the door. 

“If it’s so bad here then leave Jake. I’m not going to stand there and justify my actions to you. I have done nothing wrong here. I work hard and keep a roof over our heads. I’ve tried to balance work and home and although I might have neglected you a little more than I thought, its apparent to me that your decision has been made, so stop threatening me and just leave. I won’t fight you because honestly I don’t have it in me tonight to fight.”

“It would make it easier for you if I left wouldn’t it? If I was out of the picture then you wouldn’t have to call and make excuses about why you were working late would you? You must think I’m stupid or lack the mental capacity to see the truth. I smell his vial cologne on your cloths and the smell of sex on your skin. I know what late nights at the office mean for you Bella and here I was trying to repair this broken home when all you really wanted was for me to get so angry that I would just leave. You know what, fuck you, I’m done” I said as I stormed past here, slammed the hallway closet open and retrieved the duffle bag from the closet. 

How fuckin pathetic was I to stay with a women that neglected, cheated and hurt me. I was no better than a battered dog running to its owner for more punishment in the hopes to reclaim his love. I was done being the doormat and if she didn’t give a fuck neither did I. 

“You have some fuckin set Jacob Black. How dare you accuse me of the very thing you are guilty of? Oh I forgot. It is easier to accuse someone of cheating when its done in the present as apposed to the past isn’t it? For your information, I didn’t sleep with Edward. I work late because I am actually working. I am working because I was promised a partnership in the firm if I could prove successful in this project but you won’t know anything about that and why you might ask? Because you don’t fuckin care. You care more about how you feel and what I’ve done wrong. You are so blinded by jealousy you fail to see anything but just else. Open your eyes Jake; it’s not all about you. It takes two people to make a happy marriage and from the looks of it, both of us are not happy.”

My anger was snuffed by her comment. It was true that jealousy was a big character flaw of mine. I masked my insecurities with accusations unfounded constantly. I found it was easier to blame someone else than myself for some of the issues that plagued our marriage. It was true I did cheat once during our relationship but never during our marriage. I promised Bella that it was an accident and that what happened between Leah and I was partly because I was drunk and partly because Bella and I had been on rocky ground in our relationship. I never tried to justify my actions and found myself constantly trying to make up the trust I had lost. We both promised that if we were going to take this big leap together the past had to stay there for our marriage to survive. However, as much as I was to blame for that incident and as much as she reminded me of how much of a fuck up I was, it still didn’t justify her neglect of me. 

I watched as she walked back into the bedroom and packed her bags. I was tempted to go in and beg that she stop but something told me not to. Something deep within me said, “let her go". My body trembled in contest of my minds decision but I stood firm as I watched her rush past me; grab her car keys and leave. Maybe this was what needed to happen. Maybe we just needed to see what life was like without one another to appreciate how good it was to be together.

Flashback ended

Our marriage had caved in that night like a bridge under a 9.0 earthquake. I saw my world come to an end with her departure and although it killed me to see her go, I knew time would only ease the pain and offer some relief to this marriage.

I started to write like my hand was on autopilot. When the letter was complete, I left it on the bed along with the key to the house, grabbed my bag and left. I decided this house was hers and if she felt I no longer belonged in her world, than I no longer belonged in a place we called home. 

BPOV

I arrived home after work hoping that Jake would be there. I hated how things had ended between us but I was too mad and upset to continue to fight over our mutual in adequacies. I slept on the couch in my office last night and hoped when I arrived home, we both could sit down and talk like two adults rather than two children.

I can’t say I was surprised when I opened the front door and felt the breeze of emptiness that filled the house. I had a feeling last night marked the end of my marriage and being the selfish person I was, believed maybe Jake would hold out just a day longer in an effort to let me see through my selfishness and back into his loving arms. I never realized what a bitch I had become until the words spilled from his lips and filtered through my thick skull. I did what I had always done to protect my reputation. I threw his faults in his face in an effort to make myself look better when in actuality it just made me look worse. I agreed to forgive him for his drunken mistake and promised, no vowed to leave that bad portion of our life behind us but it seemed irresistible to me at the time to not bring it up. I never once cheated on him even when I felt the need to do so after his admittance about Leah. I whole heartedly loved my grease covered husband but I just had such a hard time with facing my failures and it was easier to point our his than to face my own.

I walked into the bedroom and started to undress. I couldn’t fight the tears that covered my face at the realization that he was gone. I knew our marriage was in troubled waters but I didn’t know how to repair it. I couldn’t change who I was because he didn’t like the person I had grown to be. He married me because I was strong and well rounded and I didn’t feel the need to change that because he found me a little hard to handle. Jake was so good about breaking my steel walls down and finding loopholes in my logic, that’s what I loved about him. However, somewhere down the road we lost that luster and I wasn’t sure how to gain it back.

I heard a crinkle from underneath my butt when I sat down and noticed a letter under my skirt. I turned the lamp on and gasped at the words as I started to read. My heart shattered as I read Jake’s heart felt words of despair and almost crumbled after each sentence. I willed myself to continue till I reached the end in the hopes that this wasn’t really goodbye.

To My Wife,

I can’t find the words to express how I feel about our marriage. We’ve known each other since birth and up until now I really thought I knew who Bella Black was. I thought I married my soul mate the day I said I do however now I’m not sure who I married. I find myself torn between continuing to live a life of lies or seeking out something new that might bring the light back into my life. I never once questioned your love for me but after tonight, I feel the love that burned so deeply has been extinguished by the neglect of its owner. 

I want to apologize for everything that I’ve done. I’ve never forgiven myself for the hurt and pain I put you through with my infidelity however, I thought that over time, those wounds would heal and not open up into the sores they are now. I can’t take back what I’ve done but at the same time, being reminded of it doesn’t help either. It seems that all we’ve done and continue to do is hurt one another. We find more comfort in lashing out than we do anything else and that’s not healthy for either one of us. 

I love you Bella with everything that I am and I don’t regret marrying you. However, I feel like we’ve grown apart and I can’t figure out how to bring us back. I want so badly to burn with the passion I once had for you but I find myself holding on to a memory that I might never see again. I’m not writing you this letter to hurt or blame you. It is merely my way of showing you how deep the pain runs within me. I hope that with time you will find someone that can truly love you for who you have become. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember but I just can’t live with the person you are now.

My heart stays forever devoted to Bella Swan. The Bella Swan I made mud pies with, cheated on tests with, lost my virginity to and above all, vowed to love forever. This is the woman I was destined to be with and somehow I lost her. 

I hope with time I can find that woman again for in finding her, I can reclaim my heart. She was my everything and for a time that everything was you.

Jake

The harsh reality of his words cut me like a jagged knife. I never realized how much I had hurt him or how much my job had hurt our marriage. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself to my career and in doing so, lost my whole reason to achieve greatness. 

I reflected on the words of his letter for days and hoped to find even a hint of hope. I wanted to be both who I was and who I am at the same time. I needed to find a balance between the two. I didn’t want a life without Jake and I had to find a way to bring him back. 

I decided to take a leave of absence from work in an effort to find what I had lost. I had to find the Bella Swan I once was and find a way to mesh her with the Bella Black I am now. I decided that although my career was important my marriage had to take precedence. I needed Jake to see he was more important than my success.

I made a few calls in an effort to find out where he was staying and finally after several attempts, found out he was staying in his father’s old place out in the woods. I packed my bag and headed out hoping to save what little of our marriage we had left.

I parked my car along the side of the road and ventured into the dense forest towards the cabin. When the cabin came into sight so did the magnificence that was my husband Jacob Black. He was working along side the house chopping wood. I felt my body tingle with the sight of his firm arms and tight chest as he put all his strength into splitting the lumber. My desire and longing took over everything else as I walked slowly over towards him. 

“Excuse me sir. I think I lost my way. Do you think you could help me find my way back home?”

He looked up at me and I saw such pain in his eyes. It broke my heart to see the hurt I’d caused but at the same time, I was all the more willing to make this right. 

“I’m not sure how much help I can be but why don’t you come inside and get warm and maybe I can map out how to find your way back.”

I felt hope in his words as he played along. I followed him inside and it felt so comforting just being in the same room with him. It felt almost like we were teenagers again, rediscovering the love we that was lost as we grew older.

I sat on the couch next to the fireplace trying to warm my frost bitten hands. Jake sat beside me and we sat there in silence for a few moments just gathering our thoughts. I wish I could explain everything that ran through my mind at the moment. I felt almost desperate to repair what we had. I was nothing without him and I needed him to feel the same way about me. 

When I finally gained the strength to turn and face him, I was forced back onto the arm of the couch with his lips pressed firmly against mine. I felt his desperation, love, hate, anger and hurt through the firm pressure of his lips on mine. I returned the same emotion back while we haste fully removed our clothing. 

Before long, our bodies lied naked on the bearskin rug that covered the living room floor. His firmness pushing in and out of me while my nails clawed at his back. I whimpered with every forceful thrust of his hips, as my need for him grew urgent. 

“Jake I’m so sorry babe. I know it’s wrong of me to come here but I need you”

Through his labored breath he replied “I’ve needed you for so long Bella.”

I took his lips into mine as I released all my love for him through my body. I felt his body shutter as I coated him with my love and he returned the same to me. 

Jake leaned up from my chest a few moments later, looked me in the eyes and said, “For better or worse”

“Till death do us part” I replied with a smile.

I knew that sex wasn’t the answer to our failed marriage but passion was. We had lost the passion for one another when I decided to put my career ahead of him. I knew now he was what I wanted most and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to reclaim his heart. He was my everything for better or worse.


End file.
